I spent a day at metro trying to get some help / medication. They gave me Prozac and a bunch of financial homework to bring back in a month. I have been pretty low since my last false start at employment. I am pretty much in survival mode. I am taking the Prozac (doesn’t seem to be doing much) and have promised myself to call a different friend every day, both for support, and also to reconnect with people; I have been in isolation for a long time; from my circle of close friends that is.

I dipped into my stash of Ritalin yesterday and was happily surprised to feel almost normal for most of the day; I was able to concentrate, focus, get some things done, and not be completely immobilized. I do not feel so great today, but I am comforted somewhat by yesterday’s reinforcement that I have a disability, and that my problems are not due to a lack of character.

I started working on a zine yesterday. The idea of actually finishing a zine seems insurmountable, but the idea of getting some of this out of my system in small bits, on paper, through drawing, writing, or whatever, it seems like a good idea.

Elmwood

Amish Jack wins by a landslide (88%)

Wednesdays Art

Eric Wilson

wow, i just ran into eric wilson; anybody from culc remember him? he was never a student, he just hung around. i didnt get a photo, but i gave him my contact info, so maybe we'll hear from him again?

Dead Serious

Yesterday, I was engaged in casual chit chat with a new friend while we were working adjoining stands at a market. I inquired how he landed in Ashtabula County from GA. His grandfather had been beaten near to death by the KKK. His grandfather stubbornly stayed in GA., but the rest of the family moved to Ohio. That was 50 yrs ago.

I was unprepared for the emotions that hit me. I've heard my share of horrifying stories, first and second hand, but I can't remember ever looking someone in the eye before while they recounted anything like that. Mixed up in my triggered emotions was a fair amount of rage and hate. Shit like that just makes me want to kill.

I got a little reminder of some basic stuff that I take for granted, and I'm passing that along. Fuck Racism. Period. All good people need to have a zero tolerance policy for that shit. And watch out for the hate; hate is cancer that weakens the soul and the mind and makes us susceptible to all that evil in the first place.

It is not enough to simply be benign; we are all of us ambassadors to the world, all the time. It is easy to get along with ones own kind, whatever that is, and it is easy to shrug off perceived slights, even confrontations. But when we are outside our comfort zone, with those others, these same things can take on whole worlds of meaning, trigger old wounds, etc. Compound that with cultural differences that can be misunderstood, or are just plain annoying. Remember, always give the other person the benefit of the doubt AT LEAST THREE TIMES before copping an attitude with someone. If you want to go for the extra credit, refuse to cop an attitude even if the other person obviously has already with you. Never underestimate the power of acts of goodwill, they are the anti-venom of hate.

bismi-llāhi ar-ramāni ar-raīmi
"In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful"

A Sight for Sore Eyes

Anthony J Matlak

Ducks

Turkeys

Spencer

Egg Boy

Fizz

this is my fav of the lot

Anthony J Matlak

i didn't know i was pregnant

i have been off line the last couple weeks, and unavailable for comment. i've teamed up with former co-op coworker susanna dzejachok, aka redozo farms, and am working the farmers market circuit. we grow, we broker, we bake, etc. we will try to get a blog going soon and advertise our weekly goods and schedules. i will deliver produce free anywhere in lakewood. we will be at coit road market tomorrow, saturday, 6:30 am - 1:00 pm. i will try to get back on line later today with a list of goods.

following are photos and art accumulated over the last several weeks.

peas

Fireworks and Psychotropics

i am mesmerized by the buzz of lawnmowers and the shadow play of the trees out the kitchen window. a chipmunk has been busy in the garage gutters and then the grass. the squirrels don't seem to notice, nor the birds. a spiderweb clings precariously between clotheslines in the breeze. a single fly wants to get out on the other side of the screen.

yesterday, the 4th, about 75 relatives gathered up near sandusky. i was unable to get there. still, it was gratifying to know it was happening, just as it has been nurturing to simply be in ohio again. in cleveland. in lakewood. it will happen again in two years. i look forward to seeing the photos.

i spent the 4th baking bread, missing my wife, and watching the u.s. presidents on the history channel. i am almost completely off my meds now; i still take 75 mg of levothyroxie, and am down to 50 mg of sertraline (from 200 mg) and completely off the bupropion, montelukast sodium, atomoxetine, and methylphenidate.

i'm not happy about it, mind you; it is not without consequence, but i'll survive. i see this as a detox and regroup maneuver. i know i was under too much stress for too long, and taking medication, even when necessary, becomes a slippery slope. so when i saw the handwriting on the wall i started cutting my doses in half, and then in half again, until the scripts finally ran out.

so, yeah, i'm moody, and more lathargic that usual. my sleep cycle is all fucked up. but this too shall pass. i'll get a job, and a new doctor, and we''ll start again.

Just Goofin Around

Gayle DeLuca: 1959-2008

Gayle DeLuca: 1959-2008

via (title unknown) by DQRC on 1/31/09

Gayle DeLuca, a Deaf lesbian, passed away on December 27, 2008 in San Francisco. She was 49 years old.

Originally from Cleveland, Ohio, Gayle set roots in San Francisco over 20 years ago and was a long-time resident of the Castro district. She was known for her energetic, adventurous spirit, beautiful smile and big heart. Gayle was the type of person who was quick to help those in need. She was a long-time member of the leather community and was rarely seen in public without her leather chaps and head bandana. She is missed.

A memorial and celebration of her life will take place on Saturday, February 7, from 1 to 4 p.m. at the Eagle Tavern in San Francisco. Those attending are asked to wear a bandana in her honor.